On Depression, Relationships

by cielopop

Depression, to some, is a ruthless captor: one seems to have no freedom over it. It’s not a *CHOICE,* it’s a concrete state of being. I don’t mean to downplay the gravity of this condition. I think my depression is caused by situations and environments, so perhaps I do have a great chance to overcome it without pills or medical assistance — so God help those whom the *allopathic* medical industry diagnoses as “clinically” depressed.

I’ve been depressed for most of my life; I haven’t sought treatment for it because I distrust synthetic medical PILLS, and I would rather drown in the black emptiness and despair than tax my liver. I figured that if I was sick, my body must have been having a hard time, so why give it one more task of filtering the useless components of placebos and pain relievers?

In the past two weeks, I have discovered more of myself — it must have been the energies from the next world 😜 — making an impact on my “emotional aspect”… Or a sequence of events that caused me to FINALLY observe how I’ve been treating relationships, especially the spiritual aspects. Is it related to depression? Well, in my case, relationships & depression are linked through the exchange (or absence of) of love (energy) – how balanced, or absent (and sometimes, we perceive lack of love when there’s plenty because of our personal filters and expectations)… A sense of belonging…

So anyway. I have been making conscious effort to reach out to friends and family, from whom I’ve felt rather alienated all these years — and the cause of this feeling of “You Don’t See Me” is: differing VALUES and BELIEFS: (a) I preferred art & concerts & hobbies over TV & shopping malls; (b) naturopathy over allopathic medicine; (c) integral/holistic spiritual system over mere religion/atheism; (d) creative entrepreneurship over 9-5 prole life;… These differences playing out during interactions, cause internal pressure (stress),… feeling of having to be “on guard,” lest I say something offensive…

So. I guess I’ve just grown old enough, I’m 30 😮 — honestly, I’m not a good child of Saturn — as I’ve said, I hardly know myself because I’d been depressed, I haven’t been able to act on my dreams, it seems that obstacles were all over the place, and it didn’t help that I liked things easy, I had social anxiety (due to being different — I don’t know WTF could make people happy, they don’t seem to care about my vision, etc), I felt misplaced, didn’t have the right connections, didn’t have enough resources, etc. Maybe a stronger character will say that these are mere excuses. Ok! Not gonna argue, my heart is too weak to argue, and honestly, all my life I’ve been BLOCKED from speaking for myself, which is yet again another basis for insecurity, which of course fuels depression, etc…

But these days I seem to have acquired the STRENGTH to move past these, to reverse depression — it takes DISCIPLINE, over my habits — mental and emotional. Several weeks ago, I’d read from a forum, a comment by a Buddhist stating that depression is the opposite of “virtue” — I’m sorry that I couldn’t remember his exact terminologies, but this is how I understood it. Depression denotes lack of virtue, somehow. So I thought, I would challenge myself to grow past that condition. Because I really am not getting anything out of it anyway.

It’s been slow, but hey, little strokes fell great oaks. First, I made a habit of listening to music that has uplifting vibes, like Vivaldi’s concertos; or lyrics that I related with (“Strange“)…

I tried my best to avoid negative thoughts. 😊 Good job. But some “thoughts” are not CONSCIOUS, some are unconscious, driving my moods and actions, etc… This is really the hard part… Sometimes, other people help us identify these snags in the system.

Astrology, well. My karmic challenge has been identified: I am to learn to embrace intimacy (NN 8th houses) and share what I’ve learned (nodal axis Gem/Sag). And then Chiron (service) is Gemini 7th house. I’ve read that I must learn to manage “how I come across” to people — meaning. Although I am not a brute, I do have to learn to make people feel comfortable. You know. Yeah I don’t feel comfortable around “sleepers” but hey, it is not their job to make me feel comfortable. It would be nice yeah, but I’ve released expectations….. It is not about them anymore, it’s about MY OWN GROWTH, as a person… 😊 So this is a big factor in my healing…

And then, there’s a video of a workshop on “Sacred Sexuality” that I had sampled. It basically stated that: sexuality and emotions are connected to the elemental kingdoms, and these elements are ALIVE, and can be communicated with. It reminded me of what I lost — an active connection to God and Earth. I had active “elemental command” many years ago, which I had decided to abandon and doubt and deny… but it was an intrinsic part of me. Maybe this is what caused my depression too. So now I am learning to reconnect, and reassemble my elemental command.

Finally,… tonight, I’d read an article about Suicide and Depression, by the herbalist whom I considered a role model. He basically insinuated that depression is a symptom of spiritual laziness. So… I’m just totally fired up for healing now, hahah! I don’t want my hero to look down on me. 😛

So. For now I’m just gonna tell my elemental force to please, reassemble the patterns – no more depression, I want more inspiration, and fuel to rise higher. THANK YOU.

Advertisements