Yesterday, I went to a workshop for lightworkers; the speaker was a clairvoyant/medium. I got called out for being a people pleaser. :p
I instantly got flashbacks of how, while growing up, I was physically abused whenever I mildly defended my stance, or simply just plainly demonstrated healthy boundaries. I had learned to be silent, and let others take the stage. It’s much safer. I put others first before me. But then I also silently assess their character. Passive-aggressive, you might say. Well, no. I just scuttle away. As far away as possible. No aggression in that, from my perspective — I’m just super protective of boundaries. If I don’t trust you, I stay the fuck away from you. How difficult is that? But yes indeed in unavoidable relationships, such as family or work, or basic community,… this style is very frustrating and yes, could be mistaken for snobbery. Passive-aggressive? Yes. Or at least self-defeating — where people have no idea how they have pissed me off, and I’m just seething. Because I hate arguments; I hate being reminded of violence.
Today, I seem to have changed. Someone from work tried to have me fill in for someone, at the very last minute. WHAT, WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?… I’m enraged at anyone who dares to make my decisions for me. Anyone who thinks my time is theirs to take as they wish. EXCUSE ME IF YOU WANTED ME TO WORK YOU SHOULD HAVE NOTIFIED ME AT LEAST 24 HOURS EARLIER. FUCK YOU. OH AND YOU BETTER NOT BREAK COMPANY RULES. I WILL FUCKING CALL YOU OUT. I WILL PLAY DIRTY IF I MUST. (This hasn’t always happened to me. But I did sense a lack of respect for my boundaries – my time. FUUUUUUUCK YOU TO FUCKING HELL. If that person was in my vicinity I would have smashed an encyclopedia in her face.)
I also hate this behavior of someone else “close” to me — a blood relation — whose life is miserable because SHE FUCKING SETTLED. Settled in love, settled in work. BITCH YOU ARE MISERABLE BECAUSE YOU SETTLED. DO NOT TRY TO GET ME TO LIVE YOUR FUCKING STUPID LIFE. I will NOT adapt your moronic philosophy. Fuck off.
There really is nothing wrong with me! It’s just these morons around me who expect me to live as they do! Fuck them all.
The lightworkers’ meeting was awesome, very CALM vibes. Nothing heavy or oppressive. Or intrusive. It was awesome. They were all sweet. And very respectful of boundaries. I should try to attend as often as I can, as their energy encourages me to be more authentic.
The most important lesson that I learned was — INTEGRITY… Watch my thoughts — yes I’ve heard this said a hundred times over the past two years, got tired of it, but behaviorally I have not truly lived it. So this is what I need to work on. Be vigilant over my thoughts. ❤ Be sure I don’t betray myself. Avoid anything that compromises my integrity. ❤ See. ❤
The meeting was held at the store, and I bought bio-protein (plant-based protein) and some grounding crystals. I got bloodstone, carnelian, tiger’s eye. I do believe it contributed to the change in my disposition. (Ms. Psychic’s insights helped as well. It was very effective, as it was directly linked to my behavior, and it wasn’t exclusively mental discussion.)
I think I will get some cheaper crystal beads from the downtown fashion market, and learn to make custom jewelry. I hope to make a bracelet that is reminiscent of stars and planetary orbits, or ancient scientific gadgets, etc. 😀
Anyway, I need to go, fill in 3 pages of my journal, and finish my first homework for Sacred Sexuality. I may post about it here. :3