mirrors and dreams

Category: Love & Romance

I just have the sweetest luck


So you fear commitment? I’m not going to make you suffer. So stop clinging to me.

“I can’t liiiiive… with or without you…”

So you can’t decide?

Well, I will choose for both of us.

I choose to live without.

“One less problem.”

Starve a sorrow, feed a joy.

I suggest you do the same.

Missed calls on Saturday nights.
No lunch/dinner out.
Ignoring my thoughts/feelings about any topic.
Not being confident enough in our physical chemistry.

I dropped out for these reasons two years ago. This year you haven’t changed, despite your invitation/proposal.

Please just stop confusing me.



Ever Tell Yourself Youre In Love With A Deeply Difficult Person Instead Of Facing The Truth?


This is why I left my previous relationships. Saw the signs:
– love bombing
– intermittent reward/punishment
– intimidation, shaming, bullying
– switching schedules

So lucky to have detected it in the third week of the “relationship.” After all, in the past year, my spirit-science classmates have been advised by the “angels” to research the Dark Triad Personalities (narcissist, psychopath, machiavellian), co-dependency, and psychological warfare techniques.

Even though I have not experienced a 100% loving relationship, at least I know a red flag when I see one.



Ever Tell Yourself Youre In Love With A Deeply Difficult Person Instead Of Facing The Truth?.



The Ho Test – Why and How Men Test the Women They Date part 2

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Read for more: The Ho Test – Why and How Men Test the Women They Date part 2.

 Personal favorite comment: 

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What are your thoughts on “Ho Tests”? 



Now i know what to say when asked, “how do u look so ridiculously young for your age? what’s your secret?”

I used to be stumped, holding in what i know to be true, thinking twice-thrice-plus about relaying complex ideas such as: “my merkaba is active. Aging is caused by ‘metatronic compaction,’ a lack of access to frequencies beyond the incarnate plane… i am able to override or at least delay the process because i have achieved by age 14 soul integration, meaning, i am sustained not just by 3D bread alone, but also by energy itself, from the soul matrix…. besides, what is time but an illusion?”

do you think the average american would immediately grasp that?

I should not be underestimating my inquirers’ intelligence. I realize this is a maladaptive schema from growing up under care of stubborn adults who hated having to listen to anyone that isnt them…

But anyway, i assume that short concise responses are the best — the more direct, and less confusing, the better… and the spiritual science info i had given earlier, seem complicated, leading from one question to another, and ive been a lazy student, so i fear not being able to provide the most coherent picture…

Well. My perfect answer, i realized today is like poetry:

“i have not aged because i have seen eternity.”

🙂 True story. consider that aging and time are closely related. And that eternity is beyond time and space. If you could dive into that pool, you’re good. Anchor in eternity….

Text chat:

Me: “if we do it right, we can touch God.”
Him: “Touch god how?”
Me: “slip into dreamstate and shoot for the stars”

And then silence.

So yes, the question is, I’m wondering what he is thinking. Is he opposed to it? Appalled? Is it against his beliefs? Or has he thought of it before? Surprised?

…. o.O ….

With the benefits of time and distance, I now am able to review with less emotional subjectivity about that crappy reunion with ex

I still don’t want him back… just been completely turned off by his behavior… (he has mars square pluto; moon conjunct saturn square pluto)…..

The main cause for me falling out with him has nothing to do with gender/sexual preferences although he might think it is……. but I am thinking about this tonight.

I have always been clear that I am attracted to Masculine energy —-
The ENERGY beyond the form —- so, I’ve found myself attracted to masculine energy in male physical body, and masculine energy in female physical body.

I’ve found myself attracted to feminine forms under special circumstances. .. often it is aesthetic appreciation, much like how you appreciate anything of beauty… but the same happens with masculine too….

Emotional fascination that carries romantic potential (romantic, not sexual)…. for feminine in female body… I have experienced very rarely, maybe once or twice…. three, max… never actually fantasized or dwelled on it… usually happens with women who embody ethereal energy… I would imagine they’re appealing to all, actually…..

I’m generally not attracted to feminine in female bodies…. but am intrigued by feminine in male bodies (gay attracted to males) — I feel like I’m on their side, we’re sisters,… some of them seem more real persons than the typical female?…. maybe because the average brainwashed female expresses distorted feminine?….

Feminine in male body, expressing as male, attracting females…. they’re very appealing for the romance factor ^_^ probably will be like fairy tales and walking into dream…. I don’t know 🙂 how does this express in males???


As for relationships… I have nothing against polyamory although I prefer monogamy. … like, I won’t stop people from pursuing polyamory… I probably will participate in a polyamorous setting if the conditions are right…. however in a marriage, especially if kids are present, I would have to decline it.

Just saying that as, to get out of the relationship quickly, I had cited preference for monogamy….

But really the reason is his obnoxious behavior… which I couldn’t point out to him because I know what he’s like when he’s angry, and I didn’t trust him anymore…. and I don’t want to be dragged into battle… I am asthmatic and hate to waste breath on arguments especially with high probability of futility…… (hate to confess on public blog but he pretty much raped me the last time we met… this is why i had to reveal as cause for my disappearance, only the secondary reason)


He asked, “What do you think of polyamory?”

I didn’t have a strong opinion because when I first heard about it, I decided I’ll deal with it when such an opportunity in real life presents itself. And because oversheltered innocent hearts tend to project their well-meaning nature upon the world, I had the unspoken assumption that anyone who would invite me would be decent enough to graciously accept my hesitation or polite refusal. They may even nicely, honestly explain the process, with complete respect for my free will. After all, if I was in their shoes, that’s what I would do. I am not a pushy person, and I love giving people their right to claim their needs. To me, that is what normal people do.

He immediately gave me a diagnosis. “Your story is monogamy. You’re too jealous, I don’t think you’ll survive with polyamory.”

He would know because he was my first boyfriend, from seven years ago. We broke up because I had been breaking down out of insecurity — my mother disapproved of him on grounds that he claimed he was divorced but is most probably lying, and if he had the gall to show up at family dinner and commit a freudian slip that betrayed his real status, he was most likely a pathological liar. She constantly advised that I break up with him, and he couldn’t do anything to cancel out the pressure… I believed him rather than my mother, as I was in my rebellious stage, and thought my mother crazy, being cold and paranoid, and having abused me several times before.

He and I broke up after six months. 

Fast forward, to February of this year. We reconnected. But I would bolt after only three weeks. Somehow I had developed a psychosomatic reaction, which would alleviate itself as soon as I imagined myself single, with no commitment to him. And I did because he was getting to be demanding.

To cut the story short (it’s 4am), I believe he had an agenda from the start, to get me involved in a triangle.

I did not like it because, he had implied that he was single, “Cool, clean slate for both of us.” …but I guess he was lying by omission? Or I made an erroneous inference. Either way I was misled from the start. So right now I feel the whole thing is null.

So for three weeks he had been trying to get me to join him. I didn’t decline right away because I didn’t know my relationship priorities yet: thought I was curious about polyamory, and I wasn’t sure what was great about monogamy. I preferred spontaneity and adventure over stability. At least that’s what I thought.

Yet, I was feeling sick. Bladder issues: herbalist Djehuty wrote in his blog, that it most likely had to do with anger. Repressed anger. From further Googling, I found out cystitis points to masochism or issues with men…

Why would I be mad, even though I was happy to see him? Because on the first day, I saw a hairpin, and I freaked out, and he just said without flinching, that his roommate is a lesbian, that’s all, nothing to worry about. They live in separate rooms, etc. And she’s lesbian. (“Maybe she’ll like you.”)

Second time we met was when he asked. What do I think of polyamory. I had virtually no idea, I’m not judgmental, lesbians are people, bisexuals are people, they can do what they want, etc.

A gift on the third meeting, a leather bangle with heart stitch. But he added, “leather, because your heart is impenetrable.”

He mistakes a still temperament with impenetrable heart. 

Anyway. As his sweetness seemed to fluctuate. And he claimed he had to “WORK” at night. And then, even though he had earlier agreed to not push the topic of polyamory on me, he was now pressing for a decision.

“Sweetheart, I need you to do a favor for me. Will you drop your ego and be open to my suggestion, will you do that for me?”

Wow. “Drop your ego,” and “do that for me,” in the same sentence.

And inordinate amount of anger as soon as he read my original thoughts on polyamory: “Not all who claim to be polyamorist is legitimate. They could be triangulators, psychologically lazy codependents, patriarchal harem mentality… A self-proclaimed ‘polyamorist’ who relies on infatuation or sexual attraction as their main basis for relationship decision will not be taken seriously. I am sure that there are polyamorists who know better, and given the narcissism-inducing conditions of modern-day society, I imagine that a truly loving poly-AMOR-ist is very rare.”

Somehow he lost his cool… of course, withdrawing affection… drama… yawn… That whole week was tumultuous. I was suffering from bladder discomfort and he was giving me additional problems. Geez. What a gentleman. Want a future with that guy?

It all culminated in that Saturday… I had already decided to end it after he said he “got her involved”… there is much from the past week that I hadn’t relayed here. To put it simply, I ended up fearing for my future. To be committed to a man with anger issues?… AND his “lesbian” girlfriend or “business partner”?…….

Intuitive impressions tell me, money is involved here. He is building a museum. I hope he can afford it without me. I’m glad I’m poor and lost… he’d be trying to kiss my ass if I was rich… he said he is with her because she’s good with business and money. (Apparently, I’m not.)

There may have been an occult layer as well. Astral sexual harvesting. Using sexual energy to fuel the manifestation of his project. The more people involved, the more powerful the ritual. He may or may not consciously know it, but his astral self sure was preying on me. I had to do the Salvage Rite of Reclamation (akin to Catholics’ prayer of deliverance) to remove the psychic cords — I was experiencing bladder discomfort whenever he thought of me. Sounds ludicrous, but it is no joke. The psychosomatic illness was from a psychic intrusion.  I felt no trace of it after the Salvage Rite, and my happy disposition progressively returned.

Anyway my response below. By this time I had understood why I prefer monogamy.

He was a “shallow” lover, from my optic. Cannot go deep enough. I’m not saying ALL polyamorists are shallow and seek only variety. I don’t think he’s a true polyamorist. I think he’s a triangulator. I don’t think you PLAN real polyamorist events. Why not? Love is free, love is freedom. Why define boundaries?

P.S. a loving person, monogamous or polyamorous, would care if you were upset. And if you said no, they would take it as no. A psycho on the other hand, will rape you in every sense of the word.


“Cowardous,” wonder where he got that word. 

Anyway, monogamy is for those who understand the value of Shared Telos — the wider in scope of beneficents, the more socially transformative, the more transcendent, the more enduring it will be…


Honestly, I dont sense good vibes from that last one. So I feel no cosmic obligation to respond.. I’m busy trying to build a better life, hey.

From Memory:

Me: “Why are you hurrying?”

Him: “Don’t question me! Who are you to question me? What have you done?”

I should post more of the ridiculous dialogues as I recall them.



Photos by Cielopop

to put it simply…


sex magic: 

close your eyes, 
take a deep breath, 
and make a wish. 

slip into a dream, 
and dance forever
keep it going, don’t stop.  

when you arrive at the gates, 
live your wish — 
you’re now the god in heaven, 
and thy Will shall be done.