He asked, “What do you think of polyamory?”
I didn’t have a strong opinion because when I first heard about it, I decided I’ll deal with it when such an opportunity in real life presents itself. And because oversheltered innocent hearts tend to project their well-meaning nature upon the world, I had the unspoken assumption that anyone who would invite me would be decent enough to graciously accept my hesitation or polite refusal. They may even nicely, honestly explain the process, with complete respect for my free will. After all, if I was in their shoes, that’s what I would do. I am not a pushy person, and I love giving people their right to claim their needs. To me, that is what normal people do.
He immediately gave me a diagnosis. “Your story is monogamy. You’re too jealous, I don’t think you’ll survive with polyamory.”
He would know because he was my first boyfriend, from seven years ago. We broke up because I had been breaking down out of insecurity — my mother disapproved of him on grounds that he claimed he was divorced but is most probably lying, and if he had the gall to show up at family dinner and commit a freudian slip that betrayed his real status, he was most likely a pathological liar. She constantly advised that I break up with him, and he couldn’t do anything to cancel out the pressure… I believed him rather than my mother, as I was in my rebellious stage, and thought my mother crazy, being cold and paranoid, and having abused me several times before.
He and I broke up after six months.
Fast forward, to February of this year. We reconnected. But I would bolt after only three weeks. Somehow I had developed a psychosomatic reaction, which would alleviate itself as soon as I imagined myself single, with no commitment to him. And I did because he was getting to be demanding.
To cut the story short (it’s 4am), I believe he had an agenda from the start, to get me involved in a triangle.
I did not like it because, he had implied that he was single, “Cool, clean slate for both of us.” …but I guess he was lying by omission? Or I made an erroneous inference. Either way I was misled from the start. So right now I feel the whole thing is null.
So for three weeks he had been trying to get me to join him. I didn’t decline right away because I didn’t know my relationship priorities yet: thought I was curious about polyamory, and I wasn’t sure what was great about monogamy. I preferred spontaneity and adventure over stability. At least that’s what I thought.
Yet, I was feeling sick. Bladder issues: herbalist Djehuty wrote in his blog, that it most likely had to do with anger. Repressed anger. From further Googling, I found out cystitis points to masochism or issues with men…
Why would I be mad, even though I was happy to see him? Because on the first day, I saw a hairpin, and I freaked out, and he just said without flinching, that his roommate is a lesbian, that’s all, nothing to worry about. They live in separate rooms, etc. And she’s lesbian. (“Maybe she’ll like you.”)
Second time we met was when he asked. What do I think of polyamory. I had virtually no idea, I’m not judgmental, lesbians are people, bisexuals are people, they can do what they want, etc.
A gift on the third meeting, a leather bangle with heart stitch. But he added, “leather, because your heart is impenetrable.”
He mistakes a still temperament with impenetrable heart.
Anyway. As his sweetness seemed to fluctuate. And he claimed he had to “WORK” at night. And then, even though he had earlier agreed to not push the topic of polyamory on me, he was now pressing for a decision.
“Sweetheart, I need you to do a favor for me. Will you drop your ego and be open to my suggestion, will you do that for me?”
Wow. “Drop your ego,” and “do that for me,” in the same sentence.
And inordinate amount of anger as soon as he read my original thoughts on polyamory: “Not all who claim to be polyamorist is legitimate. They could be triangulators, psychologically lazy codependents, patriarchal harem mentality… A self-proclaimed ‘polyamorist’ who relies on infatuation or sexual attraction as their main basis for relationship decision will not be taken seriously. I am sure that there are polyamorists who know better, and given the narcissism-inducing conditions of modern-day society, I imagine that a truly loving poly-AMOR-ist is very rare.”
Somehow he lost his cool… of course, withdrawing affection… drama… yawn… That whole week was tumultuous. I was suffering from bladder discomfort and he was giving me additional problems. Geez. What a gentleman. Want a future with that guy?
It all culminated in that Saturday… I had already decided to end it after he said he “got her involved”… there is much from the past week that I hadn’t relayed here. To put it simply, I ended up fearing for my future. To be committed to a man with anger issues?… AND his “lesbian” girlfriend or “business partner”?…….
Intuitive impressions tell me, money is involved here. He is building a museum. I hope he can afford it without me. I’m glad I’m poor and lost… he’d be trying to kiss my ass if I was rich… he said he is with her because she’s good with business and money. (Apparently, I’m not.)
There may have been an occult layer as well. Astral sexual harvesting. Using sexual energy to fuel the manifestation of his project. The more people involved, the more powerful the ritual. He may or may not consciously know it, but his astral self sure was preying on me. I had to do the Salvage Rite of Reclamation (akin to Catholics’ prayer of deliverance) to remove the psychic cords — I was experiencing bladder discomfort whenever he thought of me. Sounds ludicrous, but it is no joke. The psychosomatic illness was from a psychic intrusion. I felt no trace of it after the Salvage Rite, and my happy disposition progressively returned.
Anyway my response below. By this time I had understood why I prefer monogamy.
He was a “shallow” lover, from my optic. Cannot go deep enough. I’m not saying ALL polyamorists are shallow and seek only variety. I don’t think he’s a true polyamorist. I think he’s a triangulator. I don’t think you PLAN real polyamorist events. Why not? Love is free, love is freedom. Why define boundaries?
P.S. a loving person, monogamous or polyamorous, would care if you were upset. And if you said no, they would take it as no. A psycho on the other hand, will rape you in every sense of the word.
“Cowardous,” wonder where he got that word.
Anyway, monogamy is for those who understand the value of Shared Telos — the wider in scope of beneficents, the more socially transformative, the more transcendent, the more enduring it will be…
Honestly, I dont sense good vibes from that last one. So I feel no cosmic obligation to respond.. I’m busy trying to build a better life, hey.
Me: “Why are you hurrying?”
Him: “Don’t question me! Who are you to question me? What have you done?”
I should post more of the ridiculous dialogues as I recall them.